Wednesday, March 29, 2006

CAN'T I JUST BE AUSTIN OR SAN ANTONIO? AND I HATE TRUCKS AND OIL RIGS. HOWEVER, I DO LOVE COWS. MOO.



You're Texas!

You aren't really much of your own person, but everyone around
you wishes you'd go away, so you might as well be independent. You're
sort of loud-mouthed and abrasive, but you do have a fair amount of power. You
like big trucks, big cattle, and big oil rigs. And sometimes you really
smell. But it's not all bad, you're big enough to have some soft spots
somewhere in all that redneck madness.



Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

Monday, March 27, 2006

BOOKS, MALCONTENTS, AND AN OVERDOSE OF PURE CHEESE

Yesterday was the Plano Book Festival. I had to go to downtown Plano with two carloads of books, set up in a drafty tent, entertain the authors who were signing, deal with the festival organizers, and field complaints from the ever bitchy public.

I got my co-worker Aaron to go with me, because he's a nice guy and easy to get along with. I didn't want to spend the whole day out there with somebody I dislike. Anyway, we arrived on time at a building that boasted a huge banner with the words "Plano Book Festival" emblazoned across the front. So, naturally, we went inside and the people there showed us which table to use. We unloaded all the books and got set up and ready to go --- then somebody told us that we were actually supposed to be in a big tent all the way across the park. So we had to load all the books back into their boxes and wheel them two football fields distance across the park on a dolly. Five or six trips. When we got there, we found ourselves in a tent full of angry Plano people who were impatiently awaiting our books and accusing us of all sorts of poor planning and inadequacy. We took nothing personally, because many of these people looked as if their parents might merit the very same accusations.

We got set up and were exhausted, but instantly had to deal with an onrush of hungry book buyers who bitched and moaned because we didn't have a cash register, but had to do handwritten receipts. Someone accused us of being in the stone age. Of course, this person's family (judging by their appearance) might very well deserve the same cromagnon inference. (Besides there were so many books, we didn't have room in our cars for a register.)

Anyway, things smoothed out as we got into a rhythm, and eventually everything was alright, and we made a lot of money. The wind blew and gusted all day long, and the tent flaps waved about wildly. We had precious few chances to get up and take a break. We met a lot of authors and I got lots of business cards from people who want to come and do signings at our store. One of these was a little girl in the seventh grade. Her book, The Runaway Hotel, sold extremely well, and she had quite a few fans and admirers. There was another woman who wrote a book called Enchanted Inc., which has been lauded as "Harry Potter meets Bridget Jones". She was kind of interesting; sort of like the brainy girl from high school who has suddenly blossomed into someone quite fetching ... and she's still a little uncomfortable in her new skin. She was a very charming, intelligent person. (Aaron and I were drooling.)

And then there was a guy who wrote a book called Cracking the Network Code. Like we need another one of those. He strutted in wearing an immaculate suit, his hair perfect, his faux manly voice loud and demanding attention. He even had his own camera crew and a huge easle supporting a picture of himself. He stood in front of this and conducted a phony interview while the cameras rolled. I had to sneak a peak at the festival program to see who this cheeser was. I found a soft focus image of the author (practicing his smile) and a grandiose list of his academic and professional accomplishments.

He asked who Aaron and I were.

I told him "We're from Borders".

"I know you're from Borders," he guffawed. "But you have names, don't you?"

"He's Aaron," I said. "And I'm Ben."

"Well I'll just call you Borders Guy Number One and Borders Guy Number Two."

Whatever.

His book was thinner than his facade. And you know what I was thinking the entire time? Come on ... you KNOW what I was thinking.

GILDEROY LOCKHART!

Nothing this guy said to me could possibly get under my skin, because having played him (or someone like him) at so many Harry Potter functions, I felt as if I knew him inside and out. Even when he made his grand exit with a final huzzah to Borders guys numbers one and two, I just had to laugh.

And I laughed and laughed as his book failed to sell any copies. People wandered through our tent all day giggling about "that arrogant guy with the camera crew". I was tempted to promote his book as Magical Me.

I don't know why that guy was being made into such a big deal. Maybe he's an author of some notoriety. Still, we didn't sell any of his books. Maybe one.

That little seventh grader kicked his ass.

Anyway, I wandered out to get snacks for Aaron and myself, and ran into my old B&N friend Pat, her daughters Chrissie and Autumn, and Chrissie's boyfriend Eric. It was great to see them!

The food vendor wouldn't accept a debit card, so I was going to go use an ATM down the street. But Pat whipped out ten dollars and said, "You owe me!"

Thanks, Pat.

Anyway, the day finally ended. Aaron and I returned to Borders and had to unload the remaining books. We were exhausted and went out to share a beer together. We had earned it!

I'm glad it's over ... but I still have to load all those receipts into the register today. So I'm off to work!

Friday, March 24, 2006

HERE COMES THE SUN

I am looking forward to Spring! Hiking! Grilling! Birthdays galore (including mine --- and all I want is a George Foreman Grill)! Butterflies in the sunshine and fireflies at night! The Witchy Woods turn green again! Friends graduate from college! I get promoted (or move on)!

And as the weather gets warmer, girls wear less and less.
YES!
If I can afford one, I might try to get a digital camera (hint, hint) and create a thousand heliochromes and delineations of my Springtime adventures. And there are always many of these.

The only thing I don't like about it is losing an hour of sleep when dumb old Daylight Savings Time begins.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ENORMOUS JOHN JUNKILL

Gandalf! If you had heard only a quarter of what I have heard about him, and I have only heard very little of all there is to hear, you would be prepared for any sort of remarkable tale. Tales and adventures sprang up all over the place wherever he went, in the most extraordinary fashion.

-- JRR Tolkien

The Hobbit

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

I AM THE PAULRUS

Which Beatle are you?


Paul McCartney
You have a soft heart. You love animals, nature & quiet evenings with good friends.

http://www.youthink.com/quiz.asp?action=take&quiz_id=154

A QUICK UPDATE

Since my last update:

1 - CSRing all the time. Running around town, making deliveries, drumming up sales, etc. Sucking up for a promotion; maybe later this year.

2 - Had dinner with Lisa (from B&N). We had a lovely time. And I didn't even drive my car into any trees or anything. I'm cured! We ate good food (Chinese, at a restaurant called The Great Wall) and caught up on everything that has happened since we, basically, parted ways. And we began planning - like the nerds we are - for the next Harry Potter release party, many months and years away. Even though we work for rival companies.

3 - Brian finally quit. I have mixed emotions.

4- My folks sent me a marvelous curry mix. Unfortunately, I was already marinading chicken when I found the package (soaked by the rain) on my front door step, so the curry will have to wait until later this week.

5 - Rerun seems to be losing weight!

6 - The Chronicles of Narnia passed Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in all-time United States box office receipts. But HPGOF still holds a massive, insurmountable edge, internationally and worldwide.

7 - None of my blog buddies are updating their blogs. We all have lives. Ah, well, blogging is a lonely business.

8 - I watched A History of Violence, which was just too predictable (and bloody) IMO, despite some great acting by Ed Harris and William Hurt. Also saw Rent, which I sorta liked. And Wedding Crashers, which was really dumb and really funny --- in a juvenille sort of way. I'm planning to watch Gokusen Live, a Japanese drama sent to me by Marie. From the little I've seen, it's about an idealistic neophyte school teacher who is faced with the harsh realities of her job. I really love Japanese dramas. And I'm not just saying that because Marie likes them. Or to be nice. I really dig 'em. They're bloody addictive!

9 - Jordan - I am ever so proud to say - has taken yet another astonishing step in his amazing, evolutionary muscial journey. He has now cycled through Nirvana, Zeppelin, Hendrix, and even Dylan. And now he has taken the inevitable next step. Just last week he bought his first album in this latest case-study's storied catalogue. Well, friends and neighbors, I am please-please-pleased (and proud as Punch) to announce that Jordan, Borders office supervisor and my friend, has discovered, as all intelligent people eventually do ...

Drum roll please ...

roll up, roll up

yeah, yeah, yeah

let me take you down

goo goo g' joob

i've got blisters on my fingers!

na n' na na

'cause I'm the taxman

number nine, number nine

woke up, fell out of bed ...

i'd like to thank you on behalf of the group, and i hope we passed the audition

THE BEATLES!!!! Wooo hooo!!!!!!

So what's next? Beethoven?! The Sex Pistols?!

Never mind the bollocks, mate.

10. I ate too much chicken and now my stomach is killing me.

Goodnight. I hope you have enjoyed the show.

Friday, March 17, 2006

MY HOROSCOPE FOR MARCH 17th (ST. PATRICK'S DAY)

You might find that you need to step back and surrender, Benjamin. Perhaps you are discovering that you can't control a certain situation. Maybe there are some changes happening in your workplace. You might just have to wait and see how things evolve. Don't make a fuss or throw your weight around just now. It is wiser to be patient. Do your best to remain detached with your emotions.

Today's factoid:

Verdant means green...

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

BREAK A LEG

Since my last entry, things have taken a turn for the weird. Danny, our problematic, often medicated corporate sales representative (CSR), has been up to his usual tricks. He faked a torn anterior cruciate ligament (ACL) and is now receiving workman's comp from Borders. The alleged maiming took place when he chased a shoplifter out of the building, which is something the Borders rule book expressly forbids. Nevertheless, he claimed the injury was further aggravated while working inside the store, and threatened to hire lawyers if his demands weren't met.

Danny limped around the book floor, for a week or so, with an exxaggerated stagger which righted itself, miraculously, whenever he thought nobody was watching. It's just the latest in a long line of strange behaviors on his part. That he pulled this ruse while going into the corporate sales department's busiest month of the year (with Education Awareness Week and the Plano Book Fair mounting) is only a coincidence, I am certain.

Meanwhile, all of his duties have been handed over to yours truly.

I have been given two days to learn how to do his job. After that, it's sink or swim. I'm like a babe in the woods. And, while Danny relaxes at home or (more likely) pursues his other business interests (on - let's face it - perfectly healthy shanks), the wolves are gathering all around me at Borders.

Needless to say, I'd like to strangle the freak.

Latte Thunder, who works in the cafe these days, used to do corporate sales for us, until the demands of college forced him to resign. He has since graduated and has more free time, but for some reason, they won't let him take over as the interim CSR. He has offered to do it, gladly and without a pay increase, but they simply won't let him leave the cafe. So, instead, they have shuffled all the supervisor's jobs around, temporarily, in a game of musical managerial chairs.

The position of CSR, I should note (though temporary), is technically a demotion for me.

Sometimes I miss the days of being a simple bookseller. It was so much easier then. And fun. Other times I think I would like to take a cashier job elsewhere and, simply, go back to school. I could make more money with fewer responsibilites as a register jockey at Home Depot, Lowe's, Costco, or Bed Bath & Beyond.

Borders asks a lot for what they pay us. People with the same duties at Barnes & Noble, make considerably more money. And, from my experience, they usually have a much better crew with which to work. It's my opinion that most of the kids who work for us at Borders would never make it at B&N.

Meanwhile, the new manager (Nancy) is inspiring angst and dissent with the many changes she is making. Personally, I'm willing to give her a chance. I think a large majority of the staff are acting like spoiled brats. They haven't seen drastic changes and dire times like I have. They never witnessed those dark days, so long ago at B&N, when the evil one took control. None of us who survived it will ever forget the monster who lived in the cave behind the break room.

Nothing could ever be that bad again. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers.

P.S. Megan is a long term employee who takes care of special orders and helps out in the cafe. She and I were joking about Danny today. It would be funny and ironic, we decided, if during his paid absence, he really did break his leg.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

SILLY QUESTIONAIRE

Oh joy.
Welcome to the 2006 edition of getting to know your friends.
1. What time did you get up ! this morning? ... 10am>>
2. Diamonds or Pearls? ... diamonds, i guess. >>
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? ... Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire>>
4. What is your favorite TV show? ... Recent: The Simpsons/ Old: WKRP in Cincinnatti>>
5. What did you have for breakfast? ... Metrex bar and green tea>>
6. What is your middle name? ... Berney>>
7. What is your favorite cuisine? ... seafood>>
8. What food do you dislike? ... sugar beets>>
9. What is your favorite potato chip? ... bbq>>
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? ... Colin Hay's Transcendental Highway>>
11. What kind of car do you drive? ... Buick >>
12. Favorite sandwich? ... PBJ (with a glass of milk)>>
13. What characteristics do you despise? ... selfishness, rudeness>>
14. What are your favorite clothes? ... jeans and a t-shirt>>
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation,>where would you go? ... british isles>>
16. What color is your bathroom? ... a strange mixture of mild colors>>
17. Favorite brand of clothing? .... russell athletic>>
18. Where would you want to retire to? ... Rivendell>>
19. Favorite time of day? ... I like every minute of the day>>
20. Where were you born? ... Dallas - in Baylor Hospital>>
21. Favorite sport to watch? ... strong man competition>>
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? ... n/a
23. Who will be the first to respond? ... n/a>>
24. Coke or Pepsi? ... neither ... tea>>
25. Are you a morning person or night owl? ... night owl>>
26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with>everyone? ... I'm in love ... with myself>>
27. What did you want to be when you were little? ... free
28. What is your best childhood memory? ... I've forgotten. >>
29 . What are the different jobs you have had in your life? ... burger king, country club gopher, french bakery waiter, dockworker for ups and roadway, construction, swimming pool supplies, bookstore gopher and then a manager, hogwarts' defense against the dark arts professor>>
30. Nicknames: ... benny, the great benchenzo, benito, Mr. Massive & Invincible, benson, the invasion >>
31. Number and location of piercing? ... 0>>
32. Eye Color? ... a weird combination of blue & green and some speckles of colors i don't even recognize
>33. Ever been to Africa? ... no>>
34. Ever been toilet papering? ... i don't remember. probably.
35. Been in a car accident? ... yes. several. usually my fault.>>
36. Favorite day of the week? ... today>>
37. Favorite restaurant? ... souper salads or rockfish seafood grill (a toss-up)>>
38. Favorite flower? ... i don't like flowers except when girls wear them in their hair. can't tell one flower from another. of course, I'll probably wake up in some crazy twilight zone episode in which the world has become flowerless. at the end i'll go crazy and shake my fist at the heavens screaming, "damn you! bring back the flowers!!">>
39. Favorite ice cream? ... anything creamy and mellow or nutty. nothing too fruity or chocolatey -- and nothing too basic or boring like vanilla or strawberry.>>
40. Favorite fast food restaurant? ... i don't really like fast food --- sometimes i'll get tacos from taco bell>>
41. At which store would you choose to max out your>credit card? ... sams >>
42. Bedtime: ... varies (it's work dependent)>>
43. About whose responses are you most curious? ... n/a>>
44. Last person(s) you went to dinner with: ... Mara, today (at Zorba's greek restaurant)>>
45. What are you listening to right now? ... Syd Barrett>>
46. What is your favorite color ? ... Black>>
47. How many tattoos do you have?... 0>>
48. What was the last e-mail you got before this one? ... something from earthlink>>
49. How many people are you sending this Email to? ... I'm not going to email it. I'm going to post it on my blog.>>
50. What time did you finish this e-mail? ... 10:22pm

Saturday, March 04, 2006

I ME MINE

It has been quite a week since my last entry. I hardly know where to begin. One of the intervening events, at least, has already grown so stale that it hardly bears repeating. But here goes ... I had something of an issue at work with Brian (the guitar guy) and I had to pull rank and act like a supervisor. It's a long story and I'm really tired of telling it. I'll just say that he is now on his last warning. I never really wanted to see him get fired (much), but I think he needed a major attitude adjustment. He, basically, calls in sick (meaning drunk) at least once a week. But he knows how many infractions - or occurences, in Borders parlance - he has and exactly how many more he can get away with. It has become ridiculous. So when he wandered in fifteen minutes late, reeking of beer, and said he couldn't stay, because he was "tired" (even though he had paid a cab to bring him all the way to work), I had to ask, "Do you want to work here or don't you?" I also told him he could go home if he felt like it, because I had the authority to send him home if I saw fit. Maybe I was a little edgy with him, but I was taking my voice of authority on its maiden voyage. I didn't particularly enjoy doing this, but it had to be done. And I think I handled it pretty well (despite what Jordan says).

So Brian got mad and threw away his name tag, etc. He said, "You can't send me home, I'm leaving!"

What a cliche'!

Then he wandered across the street to Bennigans to drink more beer with his friends ... which was probably why he took a cab to our neck of the woods to begin with. He began calling the store and asking people if he still had a job, and told everyone that he didn't really quit. Even though, when he was leaving Borders, he had made a purchase and told the cashier not to give him an employee discount as he no longer worked for the company.

He told other employees (most notably Jordan) that, if he lost his job, he was going to have his friends call the Customer Care hotline and make up numerous false complaints about me, up to (and including) charges of sexual misconduct.

Pretty serious stuff.

So I scrawled off a few emails to the right people, detailing the entire situation and documenting all the witnesses, etc. Note: other people smelled beer on him, too. And he verbally threatened a co-worker who made a harmless quip about his haircut.

All in the same night.

Anyway, he still works for Borders, but as I have said, he is hanging on by a very thin thread. It must be impossible to fire people. And I really am tired of this story. I don't want to discuss it anymore.

Incidentally, I put in quite a lot of overtime this week, so my paycheck should be huge.

On a brighter note, I had a marvelous time at Aunt Sally's house on Thursday night. Friday, my day off, was just as enjoyable. I walked along the Chisolm Trail all the way to Barnes & Noble and back. Much of this time was spent reminiscing about the old days at B&N. Then I took a little trip to the Witchy Woods. But, this time, I wandered off the Jordan Trail and went deep into the dense foliage. Somewhere, out there in the depths of the woods, lay the remains of a little house. All that was left was an asphalt shingle roof, an old well, and a rusty bathing tub. Wreckage of a simpler time.

I also went to work on my garage, cleaning and rearranging. And then I went through mountains of old papers and put them all in their proper place --- be it in the trash, or in a file, or whatever.

And, tonight, after a hard day at work, I came home and grilled two delicious steaks, baked a potato, and cooked some veggies. I marinated the steaks all night long in Stubb's Beef Marinade. Good stuff. The best! Then I sizzled them to perfection on the big grill that was gifted to me by Jordan & Amanda. Believe it or not, this was my first time to use a grill, and I didn't burn down the house or fry the cat or anything. And the steaks ended up being excellent.

I've started rereading Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials series. It's one of my all-time favorite fantasy epics. I would recommend it to anyone.

Well --- that's about it.

I feel like I've left something out.

Oh yes! I found a Jason's Deli gift card on the floor at work. It's got almost twenty dollars left on it! I'll be eating well (and for free!) all week.

And I'm thinking of finally biting the bullet and getting a cell phone.