What a Ham

Life Imitates BART!

So, last night, Leia and I had dinner at Nate's seafood restaurant in Addison. I ate a lavish mountain of fried kraken, sea serpent, and Moby Dick. Leia had a small ocean of gumbo. I drank a Shiner. She had iced tea.

After that, we decided we absolutely must go down to Northwest Highway and Hillcrest to visit the Quik-E Mart. The 7-11 there (for those who haven't heard) is one of twelve in the world (meaning the U.S.A.) that has been converted into the buy-n-bye convenience store seen on the Simpsons. This promotion will last through the end of July to promote the new Simpsons movie due to come out this summer.

All the 7-11 signs had been replaced with the Quik-E Mart logo. The store's facade was covered with a yellowish veneer, with bits of brick showing through the plaster, like the storefront on the show.
Inside, we found six-packs of Buzz Cola, boxes of Frosted Krusty O's, do-nuts (not don't-nuts) with pink topping and sprinkles, and (of course) the Slurpee dispenser was now a Squishee machine.

I kept trying to find Apu, but there was just a little woman behind the counter who kept mono-toning, "Thank you, come again" at random intervals. It didn't matter if you were coming or going, in the middle of a transaction, or in the midst of speech. It was as if she was programmed to repeat Apu's catchphrase every fifteen seconds with little or no regard for her surroundings. I felt kind of sorry for her. I wondered if she even knew about Apu or cared why her creatively retarded corporate overlords/bullies were (likely) monitoring her activities to make sure she quoted him to every customer.

Or was this merely an ironic case of life-imitating-art-imitating-life? Or something ...

There were neon, plastic representations of the show's characters posed about the store. Chief Wiggum was loitering by the do-nut (not don't-nut) case. Little Maggie was crawling along the counter. Homer was challenging Wiggum for a do-nut (not a don't-nut). I think Bart and Milhouse were going for Squishees.

People were taking pictures with them.

I bought a six-pack of Buzz Cola (to save until it's worth something) and a single to drink. The small print claims it is a product of the 7-11 company in Dallas, Texas.

I got two boxes of Krusty O's; one to eat, one to save. It's "the best you can expect from a TV clown," says a blurb on the front of the box. On the side of the container is Krusty's Nutrition guarantee. It reads: "I guarantee I was paid to say this stuff is nutritious".

If you must know, Krusty O's are really Fruit Loops.

Leia and I each had a do-nut (not a don't-nut) and a Squishee.

If you're curious:
I searched the place, thoroughly, and saw not a single Duff's Beer.

P.S. I don't know if it was the kraken, the sea serpent, Moby Dick, or Apu's famous salmonella, but I came home and barfed my guts out for about an hour!

D'oh!

NOTES OF A DIRTY OLD MAN

Life is so strange.

I was looking at a picture of little Zeph Rainey and thinking about how much he has grown. Suddenly I felt very old. Even my friend Joanne (who was at Borders today) said I have stopped being cute and started to look "dignified".

I ain't buying that for a minute. I'll be dignified when I get the hell out of the bookstore and get a job more suited to a man of my advancing years & (apparently) ever more geriatric appearance. I'll be mature when I get a solid pension scheme, stop smoking (once and for always), spend more time doing things I enjoy, and get some money saved. I'll be mature ... right now.

Yeah, that's the ticket!

P.S. The following books were recently loaned to me by a friend (Brian the guitar guy):
Notes of a Dirty Old Man by Charles Bukowski
The Stranger by Albert Camus
Journey to the End of Night by Celine
Ask the Dust by John Fante
Crime and Punishment by Fydor Dostoevsky
The Basketball Diaries by Jim Carroll

I have also taken up the old Russian practice of sitting and being still for a moment before going on a journey. I haven't gone on any long trips in a while, so this is still just a practice in theory, not a practice in practice.

My old roomie, Lee (who has always been my surrogate brother), wants me to start doing yoga with him and his fiance, Judith. They are also going to start training for an iron man/woman competition and would like me to join them.

I may.

My schedule this week:
Close Monday, Open Tuesday.
Tuesday night - dinner w/Leia.
Wednesday - off. Desperate last minute preparations for Harry Potter. Possible movie with Cute When Sedated.
Thursday - off. More preparations. Panic sets in. Dinner with Aunt Sally?
Friday - the book release party. Gilderoy makes his final appearance. Total mayhem. Folks in town.
Saturday - hang up the golden coat and fancy trousers forever. Close at work. It'll suck.
Sunday - close again. More suckage.