Distance Makes the Head Go Barmy

Today was my parents' 48th wedding anniversary. I called them at their place in New Mexico. It was indescribably good to talk to them. My poor dad is still laid up. He has had everything the fates could possibly throw at a person and yet he is still hanging in there. Weak as a kitten. Totally dependent. He has had prostate cancer, lymph cancer, two staph infections, an intestinal goo called C-diff, arthritis (for which he couldn't take the treatments while undergoing chemo, so now his hands are useless to him) and now, after everything else, he has developed some kind of malignancy on his feet against which normal antibiotics can do nothing. I don't remember what it's called, but I am learning a lot about all kinds of ailments I had no experience with before. I'll have to call back and ask again the name of the foot fungus, so I can research it.

In spite of everything, though, Dad was so happy to hear from me, and he was so very sweet on the phone. "You always remember every special day," he said. I just wish I could be there with him and Mom.

He told me there is a woman who comes around a few times a week to bathe him. I said, "Wow. Lucky you."

My mom and some friends took him to the Rio Grande to watch rafters having fun on the water (or something like that). It was his request. I hope he enjoyed it.

The wheels in my head are spinning like crazy. I can't sleep, so I went for a late night 5 mile run in the park. It was very refreshing, but not tiring enough to knock me out for the evening. I tried to call my best friend in the world, but she was already asleep. Which is understandable at nearly midnight.

My poor dad. I mean, he's had an amazing life, and seen a lot of success. Maybe if I were more of a success, too, that would be the cherry on the sundae. The situation at home makes me want to walk away from everything else in my life, say "sod you" to all my little problems, run home, and hang out with Dad until the end. He's always in my thoughts. Sometimes I feel so emotional, angry, weak, and sensitive. But I figure if he can smile through all he's been through, I should try to do the same. If my mom can go through all those caretaking chores (and some of them have been ugly), then maybe I should stop whining and try to be equally as strong.

I want to be there with them all the time. It stinks to be so far away.