BOOKS, MALCONTENTS, AND AN OVERDOSE OF PURE CHEESE

Yesterday was the Plano Book Festival. I had to go to downtown Plano with two carloads of books, set up in a drafty tent, entertain the authors who were signing, deal with the festival organizers, and field complaints from the ever bitchy public.

I got my co-worker Aaron to go with me, because he's a nice guy and easy to get along with. I didn't want to spend the whole day out there with somebody I dislike. Anyway, we arrived on time at a building that boasted a huge banner with the words "Plano Book Festival" emblazoned across the front. So, naturally, we went inside and the people there showed us which table to use. We unloaded all the books and got set up and ready to go --- then somebody told us that we were actually supposed to be in a big tent all the way across the park. So we had to load all the books back into their boxes and wheel them two football fields distance across the park on a dolly. Five or six trips. When we got there, we found ourselves in a tent full of angry Plano people who were impatiently awaiting our books and accusing us of all sorts of poor planning and inadequacy. We took nothing personally, because many of these people looked as if their parents might merit the very same accusations.

We got set up and were exhausted, but instantly had to deal with an onrush of hungry book buyers who bitched and moaned because we didn't have a cash register, but had to do handwritten receipts. Someone accused us of being in the stone age. Of course, this person's family (judging by their appearance) might very well deserve the same cromagnon inference. (Besides there were so many books, we didn't have room in our cars for a register.)

Anyway, things smoothed out as we got into a rhythm, and eventually everything was alright, and we made a lot of money. The wind blew and gusted all day long, and the tent flaps waved about wildly. We had precious few chances to get up and take a break. We met a lot of authors and I got lots of business cards from people who want to come and do signings at our store. One of these was a little girl in the seventh grade. Her book, The Runaway Hotel, sold extremely well, and she had quite a few fans and admirers. There was another woman who wrote a book called Enchanted Inc., which has been lauded as "Harry Potter meets Bridget Jones". She was kind of interesting; sort of like the brainy girl from high school who has suddenly blossomed into someone quite fetching ... and she's still a little uncomfortable in her new skin. She was a very charming, intelligent person. (Aaron and I were drooling.)

And then there was a guy who wrote a book called Cracking the Network Code. Like we need another one of those. He strutted in wearing an immaculate suit, his hair perfect, his faux manly voice loud and demanding attention. He even had his own camera crew and a huge easle supporting a picture of himself. He stood in front of this and conducted a phony interview while the cameras rolled. I had to sneak a peak at the festival program to see who this cheeser was. I found a soft focus image of the author (practicing his smile) and a grandiose list of his academic and professional accomplishments.

He asked who Aaron and I were.

I told him "We're from Borders".

"I know you're from Borders," he guffawed. "But you have names, don't you?"

"He's Aaron," I said. "And I'm Ben."

"Well I'll just call you Borders Guy Number One and Borders Guy Number Two."

Whatever.

His book was thinner than his facade. And you know what I was thinking the entire time? Come on ... you KNOW what I was thinking.

GILDEROY LOCKHART!

Nothing this guy said to me could possibly get under my skin, because having played him (or someone like him) at so many Harry Potter functions, I felt as if I knew him inside and out. Even when he made his grand exit with a final huzzah to Borders guys numbers one and two, I just had to laugh.

And I laughed and laughed as his book failed to sell any copies. People wandered through our tent all day giggling about "that arrogant guy with the camera crew". I was tempted to promote his book as Magical Me.

I don't know why that guy was being made into such a big deal. Maybe he's an author of some notoriety. Still, we didn't sell any of his books. Maybe one.

That little seventh grader kicked his ass.

Anyway, I wandered out to get snacks for Aaron and myself, and ran into my old B&N friend Pat, her daughters Chrissie and Autumn, and Chrissie's boyfriend Eric. It was great to see them!

The food vendor wouldn't accept a debit card, so I was going to go use an ATM down the street. But Pat whipped out ten dollars and said, "You owe me!"

Thanks, Pat.

Anyway, the day finally ended. Aaron and I returned to Borders and had to unload the remaining books. We were exhausted and went out to share a beer together. We had earned it!

I'm glad it's over ... but I still have to load all those receipts into the register today. So I'm off to work!