ONE FOOT IN THE GRAVE ...

My midlife crisis has officially begun.

Be prepared for strange behavior and weird changes.

I could get a little crazy.

Who knows what will happen?

I think I'm going insane.

"Good-bye all you punks
Stay young and stay high
Just hand me my checkbook
and I'll crawl off to die"
- The Who

SNAKES! WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE SNAKES?!

Just so you know ... I was euphoric about this result. Who wouldn't be? I was afraid I might wind up as Ben Hur, thus proving right all the people who called me that throughout my school days.

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

P.S. I changed my template for you, Mara. Easier on the eyes?

AH, CAPTAIN KIRK ...

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

BILLET-DOUX

I'm getting ready to take an evening stroll in the park. I love the park.

I wish there was someone sweet and clever to accompany me.

Instead, I am alone on a Saturday night. Which is okay, I suppose, but maybe not when it happens so often. I could turn into Syd Barrett (Who is this Man?).

This afternoon, I took a long nap after work. Later, I woke up cold from a sad and lonely dream. I laid in bed, afterwards, and thought about the future, and everything I'd like to do before it's too late.

(Aside: Did you know that Richland College offers one of the best events planning and coordinating schools in the country? Nearly everyone who has come out of it has landed a tasty job.)

I laid there and thought about how much I have inured myself to being alone. I have come to accept it. And I realized that even all my blog entries (unless I'm researching rock stars or hobbits or something) are about me and me alone, and never about a gritty, pretty female who shares this space with me.

Either because she doesn't exist....

... or, if she does, we haven't discovered each other yet. Or, if we have, we haven't competely realized it. Or admitted it.

It's not Magic (or is it?). She could be anyone. She could be you, dear reader. (Unless you have a penis. Sorry.)

I enjoy seeing things, like at Jordan and Amanda's place, where they have their walking staffs standing side-by-side in a little basket. His and hers. So adorable. I want somebody's witch get-up to share hanger space with my Gilderoy gear in the costume closet. (And, yes, I have one of those!)

As I curled up in bed today, I tried to imagine, like a dreamy schoolboy, what life would bring with various eligible women. I know each of them well and, in each, I detect the glimmer of possiblity. None of them are married or Hollywood movie stars or lesbians (or under 18) or otherwise unattainable. And, however likely or unlikely my chances with each of them (or them with me), I decided not to defenestrate* any of them just yet. Or to single one out for an exclusive campaign of love (or courting, in a quainter vernacular). Nor do I want to put any extra added pressure on myself (or anyone else) or panic about not being in a relationship at the age of forty. Nor do I want to jump into anything just to satisfy some societal norm or to appease my ancestors with hosts of cherubs. Although, even that is still a possibility to be considered. Absolutely. But on my own terms (and hers - whoever she may be), and nobody else's

It's just that I don't want to have a massive regret, as I get older, of never having found love. Or even of having been a dad.

I'd make a great dad. With me as a father, the kid, be it boy or girl (I'd actually luv a house full of women), would be assured of something priceless: a sense of wonder.

And they would inherit a dashing smile. Worthy of Witch Weekly.

And so, I have decided that the best way for me to proceed is to have FUN! And not to think so much. And not to worry.

The real worries begin, as some of my dearest friends can attest, when you start having kids.

* Earthlink's Word of the Day

POTTER RUMINATION

A day or two ago, when I was unloading boxes in the receiving bay, I came across a most quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore. Well ... okay ... "forgotten lore" may be a stretch ... actually, it's topic-of-the-moment type stuff. But it is, in fact, rather quaint and curious, if I may say so.

And it's likely to be of great interest to many of my readers.

Case in point:

I pulled the book out of the box and gazed upon the faux aged cover (made to look faded and well worn). My eyes flew open wide as I read the following words:

Ben Bella Books...

Purveyors of Aids to Literary Mischief -Makers
is proud to present the highly unauthorized work

MAPPING THE WORLD OF HARRY POTTER.

My first thought was, "It's an atlas of Harry's world. They've finally gone completely JRR Tolkien with it, and now they're putting out atlases, too."

We've already seen various encyclopedias and lexicons and umpteen guides to the world of Harry (also Bernie Bott's Every Flavor Jelly Beans, Droobles Chewing Gum, Cockroach Clusters, Hogwarts house banners, magic wands, costumes, pins, badges, t-shirts, underwear, condoms*, etc. etc.) . There are even books about Harry Potter and philisophy and, of course, the tired old issue that haunts us all, explored in a book called What is a Christian to do About Harry Potter?

(I don't know, religious-writer-person, what can you do about Harry? Let's see. You're a Christian, right? So ... forgive him!)

"And now ... MAPS", I thought. "Entire books of them." Just like Middle Earth.

But it's just a symbolic "mapping" -- as the subtext suggests:

Science fiction and Fantasy Authors Explore the Bestselling Fantasy Series of All Time

The back cover posed some intriguing teasers --- Why It's a Very Bad Idea to Make Hermione Mad, Harry's Greatest Danger (It's Not You Know Who), The Importance of Being Dursley, In Praise of Hufflepuff, Is Harry Potter Sexist?, Is J.K. Rowling Going to Hell?

Dig these chapter titles:

Harry Potter and the Young Man's Mistake - The Illusions of Innocence and the Temptation of Power

The Dursley's as Social Commentary

(and my personal favorite:)

To Sir, With Love - How Fan Fiction Transformed Professor Snape from a Greasy Git to a Byronic Hero ... Who's Really, Really into S&M

Harry Potter and the End of Religion

It's All About God

Hermione Granger and the Charge of Sexism

Neville Longbottom: The Hero with a Thousand Faces

Why Dumbledore Had to Die

From Azkaban to Abu Ghraid - Fear and Fascism in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Ich Bin Ein Hufflepuff - Strategies for Variable Skill Management in J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter Novels

Harry Potter as Schooldays Novel

Harry Potter and the Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Counselor

The Proper Wizard's Guide to Good Manners - A Muggle Tells All

(and finally)

Why Killing Harry Is the Worst Outcome for Voldemort

Intrigued, are you, my little witches and wizards?

Very good. So was I. So, of course, I bought it at that very instant (using my employee of the month gift card). I intend to explore this thing from cover to cover, ASAP, in order to get my Harry Potter fix (since the next book isn't coming out until who-knows-when).

I've got a deal for you, mein froinds. I'll be happy to loan this book out on a first-come-first-serve basis. So comment first, and you'll get it first. Second, and you'll get it second. And so on.

Or you can just come to Borders and buy a copy of your own. Then we can compare notes; sort of like when the actual books come out and we all devour them, voraciously, and talk about them non-stop for days on end.

P.S. Some of you really rabid HP fans have probably heard everything there is to hear about JK Rowling's world. But you'll probably want to read the book, anyway. Besides, it's got a really cool cover that looks just like the Marauders' Map (on the front and the back). And, I swear, I keep seeing little footsteps, with the name Peter Pettigrew, skittering about all over the place.

* Yes, condoms! Ergo the ad: Protect Your Magic Wand From Hogwarts When You Enter Her Chamber of Secrets. (For more information, visit "Snape's Dungeon" on my list of Confidantes.)

WELCOME TO THE CARIBBEAN, LOVE

My pirate name is:

Bloody James Flint

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

AHOY! YE SEADOGS!

Take the quiz:
What Kind of Pirate are Ye? (*Pix*)

The Clever Pirate
Enod Ylecin! You catch on to situations quickly! If you smell trouble you immediatley put your brain to use and figure a way out...whether your in the middle of a thunderstorm or left the scraps at dinner time. You will go far in life because you see it for its possibilities. People admire your advice and trust in your instinct...believe in yourself enough and you can take over the world!

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

YOU CAN'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT

Forty licks ... Jagger refuses to give up room for Bush

By THOMAS WHITAKER
Showbiz Reporter

PRESIDENT George Bush can’t get no satisfaction — after Mick Jagger grabbed his hotel room.

The Rolling Stone splashed out £3,600 a night for the suite days before the US leader tried to book it.

Now Mick, 62, who has been a fierce critic of the Bush-led war in Iraq, is refusing to give it up.

The veteran rocker hired the luxury Royal Suite at the five-star Imperial Hotel in Vienna, Austria, for June when the Stones are due to play a gig in the city.

No room ...

President Bush’s aides then tried to book it to tie in with a summit meeting. But Mick put his foot down and insisted he was keeping the booking. A source close to the millionaire singer said last night: “White House officials had wanted to reserve the suite and all the other rooms on the first floor." But Mick and the Stones had already booked every one of them.

Stony reception ... Jagger has grabbed Imperial booking.

“Bush’s people seemed to be under the impression that they (the Rolling Stones) would just hand over the suites but there was no way Mick was going to do that.”

The classically-designed suite is said to be among the top 100 hotel rooms in the world. It boasts a 7ft 4in bed, chandeliers and oil paintings. Former presidents Ronald Reagan, John Kennedy and George Bush Snr all stayed there while they were in office.

Suite luxury ... Mick won't give up room for George.

The hotel last night admitted US secret service agents vetted the accommodation — and confirmed that Bush would no longer be staying there. An American Embassy official refused to say where he was now staying for “security reasons”.

Mick takes a swipe at Bush, 59, on the latest Stones album A Bigger Bang, savaging his Iraq War policy.

OOPS!

To whomever it may concern.

The Shanna Swendson signing is not on May 29th. It was on APRIL 29th.

OOPS!!!

It was a great success and we sold a lot of books. Thanks to all my marvelous friends for coming to see this talented author. It seems that so many of you (especially people of the female variety) are reading her books. And liking them. I've read a little bit, too, and I can tell you this: the woman can write!

I look forward to hosting more events in the future. Maybe I'll even go into business for myself as a professional events coordinator. I can do it so much better than the coorporate goons at Borders. My so-called superiors had Dave Barry, Amy Tan, and Greg Illes at the the same store at the same time (in Dallas) and do you know how many books they sold?

Three.

That's one apiece.

(shakes head)

Dave Barry...

Amy Tan...

Proof, once again, that the coorporate machine doesn't work.

People do.

Shanna sold 32 books! And who knows what she might have done if Einstein (meaning me) hadn't advertised the wrong date!

Details!

Bleah!