Keep it Together

I find myself in one those states where it's all I can do to merely keep it together. I feel edgy and disoriented and frightened. If I can just make it through, I'll be okay. If I just don't do anything rash while in this fragile state, I'll be okay. Having lots of weird, uncomfortable thoughts. Paranoia. It'll pass. It has to. It's just a matter of riding the storm out. I'm old enough to have been through this before, many a time. By now I should be able to handle it, predict it, and maintain a healthy objectivity about it.

I'm missing people. I'm thinking scary thoughts about the future. Everyone is changing but me. Is my life going nowhere? Will I ever finish anything I start? What will be my legacy?

I don't know who to trust. Seems the older we get, the more fractured all our friendships become, and people tend to retreat to their separate sanctuaries, or fall back on old alliances for comfort and safety. A lot of relationships are spoiled by adult ambition, vanity, and the need for personal space and security. We begin to think strategically about every situation, every interaction with another. Business teaches us to trust no-one.

I am as guilty as anyone.

Right now I feel pretty vulnerable. (But not so meek that I can't broadcast it over the internet.)

Vulnerability ain't pretty. Least ways not in a manly sense. Women do it better. They can make it beautiful. And, face it, there are always plenty of would-be heroes to stand by a woman's side in her time of need. But, if you're a guy, you had best suck it up, and get over it. That's why we drink, swagger and hide our problems behind a show of bravado. Nobody likes a whiner with a penis.

Maybe that's unfair, but that's the way it is.

If I'm wrong about this ... please explain.

Must keep it together.

The Cover Art is Here

Felines & Dandelions

Today I mowed the lawn for the first time this year. It was thick with dandelions. These are pretty, in a way, if they are out in a field or something, but not in someone's yard. They will turn into ugly weeds and strangle everything else that tries to grow there, including grass. I made a mistake by mowing them down (or so my mom told me in a phone conversation this evening), because this will spread them everywhere. So I will have to wait for them to grow up again, and then I will have to dig them out by the roots.

I don't look forward to this laborious drudgery. But perhaps I can make a game of it. How many dandelion's can you pull out in an hour? Try to enjoy it. Put on some music.

The weather is perfect for it. I have run neither AC nor heat in a month and have never suffered a minute of discomfort. The house is thoroughly aired-out and smells of Spring. Bills will be low.

Anyway, I was bit by the industry bug, today, and I got busy with cleaning the bathroom, the kitchen, the utility room, paying all my bills, watering plants, and doing laundry. I even went out and bought a DVD player to replace the old one (which had gone goofy on me). They're so cheap now. Like 50 dollars. Luckily, my tax return came in last week, and I could afford the extra expense.

While cleaning the bathroom, I got some anti-mildew chemical in my eye.

Annoying.

Rerun seemed to enjoy having me home almost as much as I enjoyed being here (for once) .

Tonight, I was washing dishes and doing laundry and watching the Simpsons (on the new DVD player). During the episode where Bart sneaks a bull frog into Australia (which causes havoc to the Aussie eco-system, and a huge international affair between the U.S. of A. and the Land Down Under) I went out to the garage to get a broom from the broom closet ... not for flying, but for sweeping.

Anyway ... I went out to the garage and ...

I saw a pair of glowing, devil eyes reflecting the kitchen light.

Actually, it was a scrawny feline waif lounging on the hood of my old Buick! The surprise guest made a great clatter as it hopped up and scampered out through the garage door (which I had left open).

Poor thing. It was so skinny.

The polar opposite of Rerun.

I felt sorry for it and wondered if I should leave out some food.

I knew it would be a bad idea, since I already have one very domineering, very sensitive, very territorial beast to feed. It would be my second major blunder of the day (after helping the dandelions propagate).

But I just felt so sorry for the poor critter ...