A LONG EXPECTED PARTY (AND PARENTHESES)

BE IT KNOWN that on this date in the year 3001 of the Third Age of Middle Earth (S.R. 1401 {that's Shire Reckoning 1401 (we always subtract 1600 from the common calendar to get hobbit years)}, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes ...) ... in the year 3001 of the Third Age of Middle Earth, Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit of Bag End (in Hobbiton {in the Shire (in Middle Earth)}) threw a big ol' beer bash out in the aptly named Party Field (down The Hill {as they call the hill} from Bag End {in Hobbiton (in the Shire {in Middle Earth})}) to celebrate both his and his nephew Frodo (actually his first and second cousin {once removed}) Baggins' birthdays in grand hobbit style. This meant lots of ale, mushrooms, and pipe smoking (sort of like college!), and, being that Bilbo was a most eccentric (and downright weird) hobbit (or halfling), it also meant that, besides every other hobbit (or halfling) in Hobbiton (in the Shire {in Middle Earth}) including those annoying Sackville-Bagginses (long story), there would also be, in attendance, any number of dwarves, travelers, and even a wandering wizard called Gandalf the Grey (that's grey {with an e} in the British sense, not gray {with an a} in the American style) also called Mithrandir (or Olorin {or the Grey Pilgrim}) who was actually an ancient Istari (or Maiar {in a broader sense (like Galadriel, Elrond, and Tom Bombadil {also called Earwain Ben-Adar (whose part was cut from the movies)})} where was I? ... oh, yes ...) ... Gandalf (etc.) was (more precisely) an Istari, or Wizard, like his fraternity brothers Saruman {who went bad} and Radagast {who loved birds (though not in the British sense {meaning young women}). There were others of this ilk, but they never made it to Middle Earth (or, more broadly, Arda), because, rather than deal with all that "reality", they stayed up in heaven (or the Timeless Halls, as they say) like a bunch of pansies, singing the praises of Iluvitar (or Eru {also called The One (or the Flying Spaghetti Monster)}). ANYWAY...

... back to THE PARTY!

It so happened that old Bilbo (being 111 {or eleventy-one}) was in possession of a most important and unsual ring. Not a nose ring or a toe ring or even a ring for the naughty bits (although Gollum spent a lot of time alone with it in a cave, so who knows?); no, none of these! It was a simple finger ring. Did I say simple?! What I meant to say was that it was plain and ordinairy, but only in its physical shape and size. In every other possible sense of the word (Britsh, American, and otherwise) this ring was simply MAGICAL! (Sort of like this missive.) Now, we all know in our hearts that there are two kinds of magic: the good kind (exemplified by Gandalf, Harry Potter, the Good Witch of the North {or was it the East?}) and the bad kind (characterized by Sauron {the Dark Lord of the Rings}, Lord Voldemort {also called You-Know-Who}, and, that old stand-by, the Wicked Witch of the West) . Bilbo, being a mere hobbit (or halfling) had no reason to suspect that his magical ring was evil. All The Ring (as they call the ring) ever did was allow him to turn invisible whenever those nosey old Sackville-Bagginses (really long story) came snooping around. He had owned it for decades and hadn't aged one iota since the day he found it in a cave beneath the faraway Misty Mountains ("where the spirts go now/over the hills where the spirits fly" {see Led Zeppelin}) and won it in a suspicious game of riddles (at which hobbits never cheat, but Bilbo, out of desperation, did) with a sad, hungry, wild-eyed, slimy, scary, pale, scaly, skeletal, Atkins-dieting old hermit called Gollum (once known as Smeagol when long ago, he, too was a hobbit {or halfling}--before being transformed into an unrecognizable, murdering, anti-social, physically decaying, Dick Cheney-like slave to The Ring). So Bilbo rather liked The Ring (as they call the ring). He found it useful, but only because he had no idea that it was actually The Ring. Yes, THAT Ring! The very same Ring that Sauron (the Dark Lord) forged, all those ages ago, in the fires of Mount Doom (in Mordor {in Middle Earth}). So, when Bilbo chose the occasion of his eleventy-first birthday to leave all of Bag End (in Hobbiton {in the Shire (in Middle Earth)}) to his young first-and-second-cousin-once-removed (or nephew), Frodo Baggins (who was coming of age at 33 - as hobbits {or halflings} do), he (Bilbo) chose, as well, to leave his magical ring (The Ring) in the care of the young man he considered the most trustworthy of all the hobbits (or halflings) in the Shire (that being Frodo). Sort of like a present with responsibility attached. Like when your folks buy you your first car. "It was forged in the fires of Mount Zoom," they say. "In far away Motown (in Michigan {in America (on planet Earth)})! Or in Japan." But, anyway, that Frodo was one bad mother - Shut your mouth! Hey! I'm talkin' about Frodo! Er, um ... where was I? Oh yes, Frodo and the ring (or Ring)! You see, no ring (or Ring), no matter how evil and powerful, could possibly convert him into a murderous, obsessive, monomanical, emaciated runway model like Gollum! No way! Not with Sam Gamgee by his side. Ah, Sam! (Another long story.) Frodo's trusty sidekick. He went to sidekick school along with Robin, Dr. Watson, Kato, Tonto, and most of my freinds.

But, anyway, back to ...

THE PARTY!

It seems that, despite his eccentricity, Bilbo could still pack them in (like fat Elvis in his crazy last days) if ale, mushrooms, and pipe weed were plentiful, which they were (just like in college). Added to that were the fantastic fireworks provided by none other than Gandalf, himself (who was, as you are aware, known by many other names, and well-respected even in places as high and mighty as the Timeless Halls {full of pansies and Flying Spaghetti}).

It was a night to remember!

Bilbo's farewell speech had the place in stitches until he put on his magic ring (or Ring) and vanished in a puff of smoke (provided for effect by Gandalf/Olorin/Mithrandir/the Grey Pilgrim, but cut from the movies, like Tom Bombadil {that jolly fellow}). The hobbit (or halfling) crowd went into shock! This time, crazy old Baggins had gone too far! But, soon, they all went back to college (I mean to the ale and the mushrooms and the pipe smoking) thinking it was just a silly parlour trick (even though they were in a field).

But Bilbo, meanwhile, slipped out the back, Jack (made a new plan, Stan) and, leaving his ring (The Ring) in an envelope (in Bag End {in Hobbiton ... oh, get on with it!}) and, after a moment of doubt in which Gandalf (known by many names) nudged him in the right direction (by scaring his socks off, which explains the bare feet), Bilbo left Bag End forever. The old hobbit (or halfling) took up his staff and his pack and rambled on ("Now's the time! The time is now!" {see Led Zeppelin}) across fields and forests towards Rivendell, where the elves live. Ah, the elves. The stuck-up, prissy, prancing elves, so beloved by Tolkien who shows obvious preference for them to their hard-working, hard-drinking rivals, the dwarves. But if Tolkien favored (or favoured, if you're English) the erudite elves (which isn't surprising for an Oxford scholar and professor), we here in the States (or colonies, if you're British), clearly prefer the gold-digging, beer-swilling dwarves (or National Hockey League).

Put simply, Elves are snobs, and Dwarves are slobs.

ANYWAY ... BACK TO THE PARTY!

And so it was that Bilbo bequeathed his home at Bag End (under The Hill {as they call the hill}) and The Ring (as they call the ring) to his nephew (or first and second cousin {once removed}), Frodo Baggins. And so ended The Hobbit (or There and Back Again) and began The Lord of the Rings.

(And now, at last, THE POINT of all this:)

So today, my friends, as you venture out into the world and go about yor daily tasks, remember those brave little hobbits (or halflings), those snobby elves, and those slobby dwarves. And remember Bilbo Baggins who (in case I haven't made it clear) on this date in the year 3001 of the Third Age of Middle Earth (S.R. 1401) left Bag End (in Hobbiton {in the Shire (and so on)}), his wealth (from a dragon won), and, of course, the terrible legacy of The Ring (as they call the ring) to his beloved nephew (or first and second cousin {once removed}), Frodo Baggins...

And not to those awful (long story) Sackville-Bagginses.