I Don't Want to Be Mean
Yesterday at work, some of the guys were talking about women. I was complaining that I just seem to be too nice of a guy and that I seem to turn every woman I am interested in into to just another friend. And whenever I try for anything more, it turns into a disaster. It's as if I don't have the right to want anything more from women than friendship. It's as if other men have more rights than I do. It's like there's this private party where the guys and gals get together, and whenever I try to join in, the bouncers throw me out. I don't understand it. I am not a bad looking guy. I've got a great physique (most of the time) and boyish good looks. I am funny and smart and I treat women with respect (except for a few lapses into adolescent behavior). I've got a house, a car, a job. I don't write bad checks or spend any time in jail. I've got lots of interests and plenty of friends (many of whom are women).
So what's the deal? Why can't I ever get it together with the girls I like. Why do I always have to settle for someone who I am not particularly interested in? Why do I end up being totally isolated from the women who mean the most to me? Even shunned and despised!
The guys at work were saying that, in order to win women over, you have to be a jerk. You have to be aloof. You have to be indifferent and act like you don't care if the live or die, smile or cry, come, stay, lay, or pray. They said you can start being nice to them once you're married, but until then ... be an asshole. They told me that, secretly, women love it when you treat them like crap. "It works," they said. "I know it sounds crazy, but it works."
I felt like I was back in high school.
The fact is, I just want to be me. I don't want to play games. I don't want to have to act like an ass to get someone to like me. That doesn't seem very healthy to me. I want to like someone for who she is, I want her to like me for who I am, and I don't think I would respect a woman who likes to be treated badly. We're all human and imperfect, as it is, so why should we compound the problem and confound the relationship by purposely acting like an ass? Every relationship is, inevitably, headed for trouble anyway, so why add fuel to the fire with games and deception?
I told the guys as much and they said, "Enjoy your celibacy."
What is wrong with women? How can anyone be so stupid as to be attracted to indifference and abuse? Isn't it smarter to like someone who is pleased to know you and enjoys your company? Is there some secret agenda I don't know about? Are so-called nice guys really monsters in disguise? Are the alleged bad-boys really hiding a sensitive side that every woman wants to cultivate? And why is it that the only women who go for me are the ones I am not particularly excited about?
Maybe that's how a lot of women feel, too. They don't want to just settle for some guy just because he likes her. They like the challenge of winning over someone who is harder to get. In which case, the smart thing to do (for anybody) is to play it cool with the ones that catch your eye.
So maybe I should take my co-workers' advice and start treating the women I like the way I treat the ones I don't like. With indifference. Maybe it really is all just an act. A game. And I can't just be myself. I have to play-act and toy with people like a bastard tease. Maybe it's true that men and women can never really have a genuine connection, because everything that goes on between us is just games and bullshit.
I hate games and bullshit.
So, if that's how it is ... I QUIT!
If that's how it is, then to hell with love and romance and sex and relationships. If that's how it is, then I have to say: I not only hate games and bullshit ... I hate women, too.
End of story.
posted by Benjamin @ 2:14 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Ben, seriously. Stop taking ass-vice from the teenage idiots that you work with and use your own brain. Look around at the women in your life-- me, Amanda, to name a few. Does it look to you like we'd be with someone who treated us badly? For even one date? Would *you* want to be with a girl who accepted that kind of treatment? The whole "you have to treat women like crap" thing is something you, and these guys, should have gotten out of your systems by high school.
There is a big difference between playing it a little cool and being a jerk. It's true that guys who are too much, too emotional, too needy right off the bat can be intimidating (although I doubt that you act like that); but letting someone get to know you gradually, letting her know that you have a full life already and aren't going to cling to her like a barnacle, is different than acting like a jerk. You're a smart guy, you can figure it out. The guys you work with are not talking about the kind of relationships that you seem to be looking for, they're talking about the kind that start in bars or frat parties and end just as quickly.
One more thing. If there is a woman whom you aren't "paticularly interested in", for God's sake don't go out with her. It is not fair to the lady in question, you're wasting her time. Somewhere out there is a guy who will adore that woman, who will think that she's the answer to his prayers. If you condescend to go out with her when there's no spark, no real interest, then you're doing her and yourself a major disservice. Life's too short. Think how you would feel if you were dating someone you were interested in, but suspected that she was only 'settling', that she'd rather be elsewhere if only she knew how to get there. Imagine how demoralizing that would feel. I'm not saying that you should only date women that make you feel head-over-heels at first meeting-- attraction, connection takes time to grow. But if you're reasonably sure that someone is not right for you, leave her alone!
Yeah, I second what Mara said. The most important thing is, there are a few women in the world who want to date jerks ... you emphatically do not want to meet these characters.
But that in no way represents the majority of women---not much I can add here to what Mara said, just trust her, believe in yourself, it can happen.
Believe me, it can happen. And, on your own terms, without some weird-ass high school headgames!
Third it.
how old are these guys at work anyways? Probably just out of highschool if that, which means that is the target group of ladies as well. And really, no chick in her right mind would swoon for the asshole in the group. Cool and slightly aloof is one thing, complete jerk who treats her like shit to "bag her" and, i can almost promise you that he'll be sleeping with his hand more often than not.
Ben, you are an amazing guy and I do see you settling down with someone. Knowing you, you'll probably meet her in England. :)
I'm almost willing to bet you money on that one...
Relax, you're not old yet and the world is a big place. And one day, those poor little boys will be kicking themselves hard when they realize those chicks only went out with the jerk on a bet and has robbed her girlfriends of a nice wad of cash. Trust me on that one, we did it all the time "bet you $20 you can get that asshole to think he's the shit..."
:)
It's honestly a learning curve with women to realize that what they want when they are younger (or less experienced in relationships) is usually not what they want once they are matured.
One of my roommated decided to move out today, way over a month before her lease was over. (and she's like, 'um, I don't need to pay for the months I'm not going to be here'...)
Anyways, the point is, her bf is high-maintenance. She complains about having to be entirely perfectly shaven for him, she must always wear skirts when he comes to visit, and he showers about 3 times a day when he's here.
Honestly, she looks whorish for him. She wants to please him, to be accepted and approved of. She says she loves him, yet she complains and keeps considering leaving him.
Eventually, she's going to realize that she doesn't want a guy like that. Once women figure that out, they start to figure out what they want, and get what they want. (so all of the women who are finally looking for the right type of guy are usually paired up)
but Ben, you are definately a stand-up guy. acting like a jerk will only get you the kind of women who seek validation from others rather than that fickle thing called "self-esteem". (also, they may be addicted to drama, and do you really want that?)
I know that you'll find the woman that is to be your partner in life; the situation may not be appropriate yet is all. Did you know that when JJ and I met, she felt guilty for flirting with (and confusing) that cute little goth gay boy? It's a good thing we didn't really get to know each other at that time, because now we both know that we've found our mate.
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