ROCK AND OR ROLL

My All-time Fave Guitar Riff: Van Halen's "Unchained". It has been for years. Truth be told, I'm not the biggest Van Halen fan in the world. That title belongs to my old high school buddy, Big Daddy K-Bone, who used to play Edward Van Halen in a band of air-guitaring, lip synching imitators. But, never mind the song, itself; it's the hook that matters, and this is one propulsive, gut-wrenching instance of high energy, clean and technical (and yet heavy with grunge) bad boy bombardment (he says like a music critic). Whenever I hear it, I can't sit still. I want to get up and start prancing and preening like David Lee Roth, licking the microphone (usually a telephone or TV remote) and shaking my ass for the fans (usually just Rerun - who doesn't seem impressed).

"Come on, Dave, give me a break," says a canned voice. "Hey, hey, hey!" drawls Diamond Dave. "One break comin' up!" Cue Eddie, and that wicked riff!

That's rock 'n' roll baby!!!!

I'll never forget the first time I heard it. It was fair day at my old high school. The place was abuzz with talk of the Van Halen album that was to come out that day. We were all out in a big field, performing various circus acts for each other's amusement, when some ambient guy went strolling past with a boom box on his shoulder, turned up really LOUD. Suddenly this monstrous guitar noise from hell came blaring out of it - like someone firing up a cranky hot rod and letting it roar . We all stopped, stood still and listened. I think a guy who was in the egg toss competition got smacked in the face with an egg.

Everybody knew it had to be the new Van Halen. That sound deserved a patent. Heck, I wasn't really a fan of theirs at the time, but that changed in an instant. I was blown away. We all were. I'll still take that hook over any other in rock history, be it old school like "Satisfaction", "Whole Lotta Love" or "Purple Haze" -- or whatever it is the kids call rock 'n' roll these days. If you ask me, most of the guitarists in modern bands are too downtrodden by society or confused and/or intimidated by their newly independent girlfriends to risk a little showing off. Come on guys, says Benny, have some fun. Rock out a little. It's like Tom Sawyer when he tiptoed across a pickett fence to impress Becky Thatcher; a little self-mocking machismo -- just for the hell of it (and to impress the ladies); it can be a very good thing for the soul. Don't be such a downer, all you emo boys. I really don't think this is what Chuck Berry intended when he said, "Go, Johnny, go!"

So for ol' Chuck's sake (and Jimi's and Eric's and Eddie's and all the rest) --- ROCK OUT!!!!!!!

P.S. Girls can do it, too. And I, for one, have always been impressed with the girls who do. I think they're muy macho.

And, yes I know, Eddie can be a jerk and Dave can be obnoxious, and their huge egos eventually broke up the band. But I'll always remember them for that one amazing moment.

Note: There's a scene in a movie called "The Wedding Singer" (set back in the 1980's) where Adam "Erratically Amusing" Sandler's ex-girlfriend shows up at his house wearing a Van Halen tee-shirt. He tells her: "Take that off! You're gonna curse the band and they'll break up, just like us!"

Very funny.