AFRAID
In the midst of seven consecutive days of work! It's okay, though, because today is Labor Day and I'm getting paid extra.
Meanwhile, last night I felt really scared. I don't know why. When I got home from work I just felt frightened. I don't mean fear of something immediate and tangible (or blood curdling); like a 400 pound homicidal maniac with a bloody, dripping machete creeping around outside my house, jiggling the door knobs or standing silhouetted in the windows while I huddle, shivering, beneath my blankets. No, no. Not that type of fear. Just massive apprehrension about life in general. Fear of failure (and/or success). Fear of everything that lies ahead - yeah, fear of the future. Fear, even, of myself - my own little demons and how they (I) can screw things up from time to time. Fear, in a way, of the past. Not of water that's gone under the bridge, because it's bygone, so who cares? But have I learned from it what I should? I swear, sometimes I feel like life has to pound me in the head with the proverbial sledgehammer before I get the message! Anyway, I relaxed a little and watched a dvd called "Sin City"; very dark noir with violence, sex and not a ray of sunshine. Nobody ever smiles except for the bad guys, who laugh maniacally. But it was also very entertaining and even funny (especially Benicio Del Toro whose severed head keeps on blabbing, obnoxiously, even post-decapitation). I was riveted from the first second to the last. Bruce Willis was in it, too, and, though we're not political soulmates, I love him in movies and consider him one of the greatest macho-type film stars of all time. I don't think he's ever disappointed me in a film. Of course, all that bleak death and destruction didn't help to allay my fears, but seeing those tough guys (and women) on the screen made me want to be tough, too. So, eventually, I went to bed (with the light OFF and no teddy bears).
Meanwhile, last night I felt really scared. I don't know why. When I got home from work I just felt frightened. I don't mean fear of something immediate and tangible (or blood curdling); like a 400 pound homicidal maniac with a bloody, dripping machete creeping around outside my house, jiggling the door knobs or standing silhouetted in the windows while I huddle, shivering, beneath my blankets. No, no. Not that type of fear. Just massive apprehrension about life in general. Fear of failure (and/or success). Fear of everything that lies ahead - yeah, fear of the future. Fear, even, of myself - my own little demons and how they (I) can screw things up from time to time. Fear, in a way, of the past. Not of water that's gone under the bridge, because it's bygone, so who cares? But have I learned from it what I should? I swear, sometimes I feel like life has to pound me in the head with the proverbial sledgehammer before I get the message! Anyway, I relaxed a little and watched a dvd called "Sin City"; very dark noir with violence, sex and not a ray of sunshine. Nobody ever smiles except for the bad guys, who laugh maniacally. But it was also very entertaining and even funny (especially Benicio Del Toro whose severed head keeps on blabbing, obnoxiously, even post-decapitation). I was riveted from the first second to the last. Bruce Willis was in it, too, and, though we're not political soulmates, I love him in movies and consider him one of the greatest macho-type film stars of all time. I don't think he's ever disappointed me in a film. Of course, all that bleak death and destruction didn't help to allay my fears, but seeing those tough guys (and women) on the screen made me want to be tough, too. So, eventually, I went to bed (with the light OFF and no teddy bears).
posted by Benjamin @ 1:22 PM
2 comments
2 Comments:
You know benny...Jordan and I understand that fear quite a bit. Hey, if it helps any, you know you can give us a call. Come over, hang out, have some tea or something and know that your friends (and family) are there to support you. No matter how scary it gets sometimes. :)
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